We are all hardwired to try to satisfy our Unmet Needs for safety, approval, recognition and respect from outside of ourselves. However, it can’t be done. It’s impossible. You must stop and learn how to meet the needs yourself. The negative emotions go away. The negative beliefs go away. Your values start to show up and be expressed in your life. While values run deep within us, Unmet Needs easily overshadow them. Values are like an ostrich. What do I mean by that? Well, they only lift their head out of the sand when it’s safe. If your Unmet Needs are screaming for attention, your values will stay hidden.
As a values and behavioral analyst, when I start working with new clients, I produce a 37-page report identifying their values and their behaviors. Time and again, I see how surprised people are because they had no idea what their values were and they weren’t conscious of their behaviors.
I help them to see that their values and behaviors are actually in conflict. It’s like having one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake. It’s just not going to work. You can’t propel yourself forward, and what’s more, your entire guidance system is off.
Remember, your values will stay unexpressed and even unknown, as long as there are Unmet Needs in the picture. That’s why motivation and personal development fails. You can’t slap an, “I’m happy,” affirmation on top of an Unmet Need and expect to live out that value of happiness.
You also can’t get rid of Unmet Needs by drinking, drugging, eating, partying, shopping or gambling them away. These are all different versions of the same misguided attempt to get what you really need (safety, approval, recognition and belonging). It won’t work and you will only attract more conflict, rejection, struggle, suffering and time-consuming tasks and people.
Most advisors, and people in general, do not know the difference between a value and an Unmet Need. Politicians, for example, may stand on a podium and tell us about their “family values,” and then a few months later we’re watching them give a press conference trying to explain a sex scandal. The thing is, they might have truly believed in those values at some level, but their family values were in hiding while they chased after their Unmet Needs. It happens to many of us (just not necessarily on television).
Look at money, for example. When negative emotions surrounding money are an expression of your Unmet Need for safety, as in, anxiety and fear combined with negative beliefs of “I will never have enough money,” you will continually attract uncertain situations and people. You’ll feel anxious, edgy, fearful, hesitant, jittery, nervous, panicky, reluctant, restless, scared, shaky, skeptical, suspicious and uneasy about money.
When positive feelings about money are an expression of your value of abundance, the process of attracting money flow effortlessly and you feel confident and hopeful about your prospects. You focus on the positive beliefs that, “There is an abundance of business,” and, “There is an abundance of currency.” You continually succeed and accomplish great things, while attracting successful situations and people. You feel alive, amazed, animated, appreciative, blissful, cheerful, comfortable, confident, delighted, ecstatic, encouraged, energetic, enthusiastic, excited, exhilarated, fascinated, gleeful, glorious, happy, inspired, joyful, loving, optimistic, peaceful, radiant, satisfied, stimulated and wonderful. When is the last time you experienced these feelings?
This article was originally published in Curing The Unmet Needs Disease © Simon Reilly 2008
International Values and Behavioral Analyst, Business Coach, Speaker and Author
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